I no longer strive to “have it all”
I’m 30 years old and I still haven’t figured out how to “have it all”. But for the first time in my life, I think that’s okay.
I’ve lived in almost every corner of the USA. I’m married to the man I’ve been in love with for 15 years. When I was 25, I founded a nonprofit organization that helped thousands of women songwriters. Most recently, I wrote a book which was endorsed by powerhouses like Eva Longoria and will help thousands of Latina entrepreneurs launch businesses to start creating generational wealth. I myself am no longer in any debt and was just able to hire my mom to help build my business.
Ten years ago I would have never imagined the life that I’ve built for myself. Hell, not even five years ago.
On paper, that all sounds like a dream come true.
And yet, I still found myself more often than not wondering — who the hell am I and when am I going to get my shit together?
I’ve spent the last 10 years dreaming of what I could become. Career-wise, I have always had more ideas than I can execute. That direction has always seemed very clear. I was put on this earth to connect, inspire, educate and create opportunities.
But ask me who I am outside of work?
I’ll just put it this way — I wrote a 40,000 word book and when people asked me this, I was speechless.
Year after year since I started my first business I’ve let it completely consume me. All of the hobbies that I once had couldn’t compare to the sense of accomplishment I felt every time I would check something off my to-do list for work in my Passion Planner. Even playing music, my first love and what ultimately inspired my first business, got placed on the back burner. My health also took less of a priority and well — that has landed me in the hospital more than once.
I started writing this three months before my birthday and wondered if once I turned 30 I would magically change and not be this career-obsessed Capricorn who has a hard time staying present — and I can honestly say no — I haven’t changed. But at the very least, I am self-aware and I am trying.
I am trying to learn more about myself by getting out of my comfort zone and healing the parts of myself that need to be healed. Some days are easy and I roll out of bed feeling on top of the world. Some days I just want to silence my phone and binge reality TV because that’s just where I’m at. I am not just taking breaks but I’m taking breaths because that’s how I’ve learned to express gratitude for my present reality versus consistently living in a daydream about the future. I’m taking walks when I need to get out of hearing my own thoughts and I am no longer afraid of asking for support when I need it.
Most importantly, instead of crawling into a hole and being depressed about still figuring out my journey, I’ve decided to enjoy the process. I want to wake up in the morning and slowly sip my vanilla oat lattes, take hot girl walks with my dog, journal and feel like I don’t need to check off any other work-related activities to feel a sense of accomplishment. I want to feel accomplished by simply living my life — however that may look for me at that moment.
What better time to figure how to do that out than in my 30s? I survived my teens, I made a lot of mistakes (and later became extremely self-aware) in my 20s. As for my 30s…I suppose this is when I focus on feeling whole by feeling happy.
And I am extremely okay with that.
