Trying to Understand Grief
Grief is an incredibly complicated and confusing thing to navigate.
Two years ago today, I lost my best friend — my grandma whose house I grew up in, my beautiful Meme.
I now dread this day. I associate this day with so many feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, overwhelm. I have purposely planned 16-hour workdays multiple days this week to “avoid” feeling this way. I did the same thing last year, I do the same thing around her birthday.
The question I’ve asked myself is — is this actually helping or do I just think it’s helping?
No surprise here but — guess what? I’m still sad today. I’ll still be sad tomorrow. And the day after that.
My guess is, part of me will always be sad because she’s gone. So does a date on the calendar really matter? I’m not sure I’ll ever know.
Sure, two years is a long time — especially since most days, it feels like yesterday that I was just sitting with her in the backyard drinking Gato Negro and gossiping about the neighbors. Most days, it feels like just yesterday she was teaching me to waltz on her 80th birthday after having plenty of champagne. (Seriously, no one could party like my Meme).
When I look back on these memories — the best memories — I also remember that two years ago, I got married. Four years ago on this day, we were at my engagement party. Six years ago today I released my first EP. She was there for all those things — proud of me. Always so proud of me. Always telling me that she hoped I would be as happy as I was then.
As I type this, I realize that by being sad today, and being sad in general is not honoring her the way that she deserves. It’s actually quite selfish as I witnessed her fight for her life (fucking cancer) for so many years and now, I believe she is partying every damn day, reunited with my grandfather and so many other loved ones.
Last night I had a dream that we were on a rooftop, surrounded by friends and family, blasting Edith Piaf, champagne and wine for days, balloons and dancing — so much dancing. And she was there, the happiest I’ve ever seen her, hugging me and smiling at me and telling me that everything was going to be okay. Shortly after, I watched her as she danced her way into the sunset and I woke up.
From now on, I will remember that on this day. The rooftop, her hugs, the dancing. The way she always wanted me to be happy. I will always miss her, but if there’s one thing she taught me, it’s that we have to live our lives to the fullest.
Je t’aime Meme.
xoxo, your Poupette ❤
